BOSTON – Senator Edward M. Kennedy, (Mass-D) was rushed to Massachusetts General Hospital Saturday and remains in guarded condition after aides discovered him “conscious, talking and joking with his family”. Doctors are at a loss to identify the mysterious illness that threatens to bring to an end the long career of the “Lion of the Senate”. Lifelong friend and family physician Johnny “Red” Walker has reported that the Senator has undergone a battery of tests to determine the cause of his condition. “I’ve known Ted for 50 years and can personally attest that he’s been perfectly incoherent for the past 30 -- we don't know what brought about this tragic turnaround.” Immediately upon arriving at the hospital Kennedy was sedated in an attempt to restore him to his natural state. Sadly, shortly after the sedation wore off he was speaking clearly again. 

PHILADELPHIA – Democrat presidential candidate Barack Obama fought for his political life Tuesday in a far reaching speech designed to distance himself from the extremist rhetoric of his long time pastor, friend and mentor, The Rev. Jeremiah Wright. At the same time, Obama pledged his continued loyalty to Wright and suggested Wright’s larger message was lost in the translation from Black Pulpit English into North American English.

Beset by a barrage of video clips on cable news and the internet of Rev. Wright preaching condemnations of America, including – “God Damn America, land that I loathe” and the “US of KKKA”, Obama described the sermons as typical Sunday morning hyperbole that is heard in many “Black Churches". In an effort to calm voters fears Obama said, “It is one of my hopes that white voters will take me at my word and not take Rev. Wright's words too literally. Do his words sound mean and hateful to the ignorant and racist? Yes. But what many American’s don’t understand is that, like the O.J. Simpson verdict, it’s ‘A Black Thing’. Shucks, I only half understand it myself.”

Obama went on to say that racial strife in America can come from many directions that the only way to resolve this issue is through education and by making him president in November.  But mostly by electing him president.  “Racism is largely a matter of ignorance and that ignorance is systemic and expressed in a number of ways. The subtle, hidden racism that was the experience of my youth remains ingrained in me. My earliest memories are of my very own white grandmother baking me chocolate chip cookies. Never once did I get a sugar cookie, little short bread cookie, a Lorna Doone, or even maybe a Rice KKKrispie treat. No, it was always the chocolate chip. And every time I saw those little bits of chocolate chip and cookie floating on top of my glass of white milk, I just knew it was Grandma’s way of shoving it in my face that that I was different from than the rest of the family. And yet, Grandma loved me as much as she could. But I remain scarred.”

WASHINGTON – A new era of world peace, harmony and prosperity began yesterday as former rogue nations North Korea and Iran seemingly dismantled their nuclear weapons programs; Al Qaeda and the Taliban have evidently announced that they have given up their plans to establish a worldwide caliphate in order to promote a Cat Stevens free concert tour celebrating the newly formed “Sister Country” relationship between India and Pakistan; the world economy apparently soared and third world governments obviously abandoned institutional corruption over stimulating productivity while OPEC surely announced that it would drop the price of oil to $15 a barrel as a gift to “human brotherhood”. The resulting global prosperity clearly ended border squabbles without a doubt bringing strife, famine and disease to an abrupt halt. In light of the worldwide joy the United States postponed all political campaigns to enter into a re-evaluation phase. 

Meanwhile on Capitol Hill, the Google-able Oversight Committee (formerly the Congressional Committee on Oversight and Government Reform) continued its investigation of the use of performance enhancing drugs by Major League Baseball players. The session began as Rep. Henry Waxman, (D-CA) announced the new name for the committee and explained that the committee’s jurisdiction has been expanded to anything that returns a response when queried on Google. “If you can Google it, we can now investigate it. Given the sunny state of the world, it’s not like we have anything else to do”, Waxman explained.

Shortly afterward the committee grilled baseball great Roger Clemons on the subject of steroids, veganism and Wicca. Emerging from the hearing Clemons offered that he didn’t object to the questioning. “Sure, it was personally inconvenient for me, but hey, this literally IS the worst thing in the world -- and that ain’t half bad!”

Elsewhere in Washington, presidential candidates decided to put the election on hold and are considering some sort of sharing arrangement whereby each of the candidates can hold the office for a few days a week on an alternating basis. Ordinary citizens will also be able to participate in the Presidency under a “time sharing” arrangement.

Major supporters of the candidates seem to be warming up to the notion of multiple presidents, particularly Barrack Obama supporter Oprah Winfrey. “There is really not a pressing need for a single leader in these days of peace and prosperity. Obama’s candidacy was based solely on the concept of ‘Hope’. As I look around I don't see how could we possibly hope for more? Well, sure, I mean … I kinda hope that athletes would stop using steroids and all, but really, what the hell business is that of the President or federal government?” Oprah said. 

 

The John McCain – (a.k.a. “The Maverick Hero Sandwich”)

Kim Chi, Horse Meat (thinly sliced) with chipotle peppers (served “Open Borders Style”)

Preparation:

Two slices of bread (any style)

Kim Chi – Take two stalks of Bok Choy (Asian Cabbage). Leave it in the sun until wilted. Beat one into a mushy pulp and place both into an earthenware container. Bury for 4 years. Put on shelf for 35 years. Label as “Fresh”.

Three (very thinly sliced) strips of wild horse meat

Add a generous portion of chipotle peppers (the more the better)

Wrap Kim Chi with a thin skin of meat, add pepper sauce  and place on plate. Throw away bread.

Optional serving suggestion: May top with one slice of bread. Under no circumstances should bread be used on bottom (a.k.a. “No Southern Border Style")

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The Barack Obama

Generous pile of Bologna, sliced pineapple, served on marble rye bread

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The Hillary Clinton

Tuna Taco with grated "Government Cheese" and Cucumber Dressing served with a side of sauerkraut.
Serve with freshly sliced onion and a tissue.

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The New Mitt Romney

Poached chicken with yellow mustard on Wonder Bread
Slice neatly in half (not diagonally)
Served with tall glass of ice cold whole milk

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The Huckabee

Spoiled potted meat on a Kaiser Roll
Serve with 2 lbs creamed corn, 2 gallons ice cream, 1 lb mashed potatoes and a Subway turkey (roasted -- never smoked) sub.

(Feeds 1)

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The Ron Paul

Turkey hotdog (any brand except Hebrew National) topped with imitation crab meat (made only from freshwater fish) and one slice American style processed cheese food on a bun generously coated with "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter". 


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The John Edwards (a.k.a. "The Two Americas Sandwich")

6 oz Filet Mignon
2 tbs Ketchup
2 Slices of Bread (cut in half)
2 Dinner Plates

On one plate place Filet Mignon (grilled to perfection) on 1/2 slice of bread. 
Top with second 1/2 slice of bread. 
Set aside.

One other plate: spread Ketchup on 1/2 slice of bread and top with other 1/2 slice of bread. 
Eat Ketchup Sandwich while looking longingly at Filet Mignon Sandwich.

Best served while listening to Bruce Hornsby's Greatest Hit

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Nashua, NH – On the eve of the New Hampshire primary, third place contender Hillary Rodham Clinton choked back tears as she described in chilling detail the horrors beset upon her last week at the hands of Iowa. In fairness, it should be said that both sides differ on the event. As Mrs. Clinton tells it, she always had a cordial, bordering on friendly, relationship with Iowa. Then, suddenly, things turned ugly -- “I was sittin' on the porch, and he (Iowa) come along. Uh, there's this old chifforobe in the yard, and I-I said, 'You come in here, boy, and bust up this chiffarobe, and I'll give you a nickel.' So he-he come on in the yard and I go in the house to get him the nickel and I turn around, and 'fore I know it, he's on me, and I fought and hollered, but he had me around the neck, and he hit me again and again”

In a statement to the press, Iowa, has defended itself against the charges, giving an entirely different account of the events: “Well, sure, I was friendly to her (Clinton) but that’s just the Iowa way. I never meant to give her the wrong idea. Anyway, looks like she didn't have nobody to help her. I felt right sorry for her. Anyway, I told her I couldn't do nothin' for her, an' she said, oh, yes I could. An' I asked her what, and she said to jus' step on the chair yonder an' git that box down from on top of the chiffarobe. So I done like she told me, and I was reachin' when the next thing I know she... grabbed me aroun' the legs. I got down off the chair, and I turned around an' she sorta jumped on me. She hugged me aroun' the waist. I just ran away."

Pleading the case of her own political viability to New Hampshire voters, Sen. Clinton blamed her dismal third place performance on the "barbaric back alley apportion" she underwent before leaving Iowa.  No charges were filed against Iowa, who advised Clinton that she should "just put a little ice on that". 

Twas the day before Christmas, and all through Townhall
Not a Blogger was blogging, well, except maybe “Craw”;

Gunny’s keyboard lay tossed to the corner without care
No thoughts on his “libturds” today would he share.

BrianR tossed and turned in a sweat in his bed
As nightmares of Rudy danced in his head,

Writers, jokesters and cartoonists from all over the map.
(‘cept Squiddy) poured the first of a day long nightcap.

When out of the ether there arose such a clatter,
The end of the “hiatus” of Dave in Cincinnatuh?

I clicked through my Windows, and pop-ups and all
Closed down the porn sites, logged into Townhall

Thought it was bad eggnog -- I was feeling quite green
As I blearily focused on that small glowing screen

When, what to my disappointed eyes should appear,
Yet another bad poem, the 12th one this year

That immature rhyming, like a 12 year old boy,
I knew in a moment it must be Kilroy.

He roused up those Bloggers and bade them to write
“Iowa is upon us – and Fred’s nowhere in sight”!

"Now, JimmyCarter! now, irtexas! now, Georgetwin and Steech!
Greg England, Pepp, PPhil, I beseech”

“Hillary is leading, free healthcare she’s bringing!
Now stop all that merriment and partying and singing!”

“Put down that shot-glass, drop that highball!
Now write away! Comment away! Draw away all!"

And so off to their keyboards, and pencils and pads
Went Scottie, Nee, Jevica, and VaDad.

Old Doc grabbed up his crayons to sketch,
And there, tanned and rested came our good ole friend Fletch

But, alas you see Kilroy had been nipping a smidge
Didn’t see the calendar stuck right there on his fridge

He'd awoke from his nap and started to panic
Thinking it January he went pre-caucus manic

Having rudely roused them all out of their beds
offered "sorry, folks, guess I went off of my meds"

The Bloggers were all poised to hurl their abuses
Clearly not amused by his half-assed excuses.

And I heard him mumble, as he skulked out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night." 

KHARTOUM – Mohammed the Bear, the stuffed animal at the center of the recent controversy in Sudan, has been convicted in the assault of a young eight year old Sudanese girl.



According to witnesses, the bear struck shortly after the young girl picked up and hugged the cuddly toy. As she put the bear down, the bear pounced, beating, abducting, marrying and then raping the child. Defense attorneys for the bear claimed that the girl brought the attack on herself through her behavior. Further, they claimed, their client was merely asserting his rights under Sudanese law as a bearer of the name Mohammed.

Immediately upon his conviction the bear was taken to Martyr’s Square where, as his punishment, he was forced to watch the young temptress subjected to 40 lashes after which she was beheaded. Deemed fully rehabilitated, Mohammed the Bear was then returned to court to begin his new responsibilities as the Sudanese Minister of Justice.

=====================================================================================

LOS ANGELES – Coming just 6 years, 2 months 19 days after the September 11, 2001 attacks on America, the striking Writers Guild of America has issued a statement denouncing terrorist leader Osama bin Laden after Al Jazerra Television announced on Thursday that they would be airing a new tape by the Al Qaeda head. The statement read:

“(Osama) bin Laden’s most recent production is a direct attack on our 12,000 members who are struggling daily to feed their families as this strike goes on. – As is evidenced by the films “Rendition”, “Redacted” and “Lions for Lambs”, we’ve generally been supportive of Al Qaeda’s war against the imperialist BushHitler Administration. Frankly we hoped for, indeed expected, some reciprocity – It’s clear to us now that Osama is merely a tool of The (Alliance of Motion Picture and Television) Producers and little more than a scab – When we get back to work he can count on us writing some really bad things about him.”

INDEPENDENCE, IOWA - In what is the first and some would say most important major electoral event in American politics, latest polls show a surging Barack Obama to be developing a sizeable lead over Hillary Clinton in the up-coming Iowa Caucus. In a state that has broken many a candidates hopes for the nomination, Iowans have always prided themselves for setting the trend of how later primary battles shake out. Obama’s up-tick has analysts dubbing this the “Wheel of Fortune Caucus” largely because of the reason for his popularity. Polls show that 70% of Iowa voters like the fact that "Obama" both starts and ends with a vowel, just like "Iowa". For waitress Peggy Sawyers, Iowa spells victory for Obama – “Count me in for Obama! – I haven’t been this excited about a caucus since (Lee) Iacocca was rumored to run!” said Sawyers.

The emerging “Vowel Factor” seems to have narrowly averted the Constitutional crisis brought on by “The Oprah Factor”, a phenomenon brought to light by NPR David Greene’s visit with Iowan Geri Punteney, ironically from Independence, Iowa. In the interview, a sobbing Punteney’s weepy support came along with her admission that, before Obama, "I never had anyone pay attention to me and my needs — he, he held my hand." The NPR airing brought on an emergency session of the Supreme Court which was widely expected to rule in favor of rescinding women’s suffrage on the basis of the Punteney Syndrome: The deranged and irrational notion that the purpose of the office of the Presidency is to address the daily personal emotional needs of a citizenry suffering from arrested development. For now the Court is expected to table a ruling on the Punteney issue as not ripe for adjudication in light of the polls showing a slightly less asinine reason for the Obama surge.

ELECTIONS 2008

LAUREL, MD – Ending days of speculation, Clinton 2008 Communications Director Howard Wolfson announced this morning the addition of Arthur Bremer to the campaign team. Bremer will fill the newly created position of Director of Personal Communications for Clinton 2008. The announcement signaled the close of a bidding war (among Democrat candidates) for Bremer’s services that began shortly after Maryland State officials announced Bremer’s impending free agent status.

Arthur Bremer began his career in national politics in 1972 when, at 21, he shot candidate George Wallace, forcing Wallace to abandon his bid to become the Democrat Party presidential nominee. Wallace’s withdraw from the race caused the white supremacist wing of the Democrat party, headed by Senator Robert Byrd, to rally behind the leftist anti-war wing headed by candidate George McGovern. A bond that would span 35+ years was thus formed. While McGovern went on to be defeated in the general election, his winning the nomination was enough to dub Arthur Bremer a “king maker” in Democrat politics.

In describing Bremer’s role in the campaign, Mr. Wolfson explained that the Director of Personal Communications will be a "completely separate and distinct function" from Wolfson’s 'official' communications department. “Arthur will be in charge of unofficial communications; his responsibility will be to convey personal messages from the candidate”. Wolfson announced that “the creation of this new position and the addition of Arthur to Team Clinton will allow me to focus more on keeping the campaign on message. Arthur brings a unique and creative approach to this function. He’s a real straight shooter”. When pressed for further details, Wolfson deferred to Bremer, saying “You really need to get with Arthur on that, I can’t over emphasize that I will have absolutely no knowledge of the work that Arthur will be doing. Any personal messages Senator Clinton wants to convey --- say, to Senator Obama, or Kathleen Willey or even President Clinton --- will be handled by Arthur.”

Bremer is just the latest in creative hiring decisions made by the Clinton Campaign. Upon hearing of her husband’s refusal to authorize the release of spousal communications from the National Archives, the campaign brought on Sandy Berger to secure their release. Mr. Berger and Mr. Bremer will be sharing an office at the Susan McDougal Early Release Center & Day Spa near Capitol Hill.

HOMESTEAD, FL – The assault had all of the earmarks of a terrorist attack. One lone attacker, Tahmeed Ahmad, wielding edged weapons and improvised explosive devices crafted from vodka bottles, carried out a midnight raid on the west gate of the Homestead Air Reserve Base. With the battle cry “Death to America”, Ahmad launched his plot to “kill American soldiers.” That attack was thwarted by vigilant guards and Ahmad was captured without injury. “Our security forces are well trained and responded appropriately” said base spokesman Lt. Col Tom Davis. Tragedy narrowly avoided.

But Ahmad was no ordinary terrorist, authorities believe. “This guy was not Al Qaeda -- this looks like the work of Aq Ademia”, said a source close to the investigation. Aq Ademia, the source explained, is a “loosely formed organization with no clear leadership structure but tenure and higher salaries are awarded to high achievers. Still they are just highly radicalized individuals bent on contributing to the destruction of America”.  Little is known about the group; their highest profile members include: University of South Florida at professor Sami al Arian (convicted of providing material support to Palestinian Islamic Jihad); Columbia University assistant professor Nicholas DeGenova, who has called for American troops to “meet a million Mogadishus” (in reference to the “Black Hawk Down” incident in Somalia during which 18 U.S. military personnel were killed. It is believed that the group has thousands of members in the United States.

At just 22 years old and having just begun his first year teaching math at Miami Central High School, Ahmad would have been considered a junior member of Aq Ademia. He had been recruited to teach by Miami-Dade schools. Ahmad also wanted to coach football. The FBI on Monday charged him with assaulting a U.S. government employee. A federal judge will decide Thursday whether he can be released pending trial.

“If he is freed, Ahmad will be reassigned away from children”, said a school spokesman. While it’s considered highly unusual for such a junior member to rise so quickly, Aq Ademia bylaws do provide for merit based recognition. Given his credentials and the spirit with which he carried out his plan, Ahmad would be a prime candidate for accelerated promotion into the university system, possibly into a presidency or department chair.

NEW YORK – Air America radio host Randi Rhodes was seriously injured this week in a bizarre incident near her 39th Street and Park Avenue home. City residents were shocked as early reports indicated that Rhodes was physically assaulted by roving members of a “right-wing hate machine”. The panic quickly subsided though after forensic experts deduced that Rhodes actually caught the heel of her shoe in Air America’s ratings, causing her to twist her ankle and fall. Mayor Bloomberg calmed residents by further assuring them that “the perimeter is secure, and no conservatives are roaming the streets of New York City”


LONDON – Nobel Prize winning geneticist James Watson caused a stir throughout the scientific and civil rights communities this week when he announced that Africans are less intelligent than Westerners. Watson, is the head of Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory, one of America’s leading scientific research institutions

The controversial remarks arose as Watson was speaking on the failure of the West to formulate effective policies when dealing with Africa. Watson claimed that “Western policies towards African countries were wrongly based on an assumption that black people were as clever as their white counterparts when testing suggested the contrary”.

Critics of Watson include the newly formed Equality and Human Rights Commission, which offered this effective two word refutation of Watson’s claims of western superiority: “Randi Rhodes”

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Not since 1977, “The Summer of Sam”, when serial killer David ‘Son of Sam’ Berkowitz paralyzed New York, has an American city been more in the grip of terror. Now, after two consecutive weekends of senseless fictional killings, another American city waits in dread for what Sunday will bring.

The first killing, a young girl stalked and ceremoniously stoned to death in a public park. A week later another young girl stabbed to death. For hardened Philadelphia Cold Case detectives Lilly Rush, Nick Vera and Scotty Valens the crimes were horrific. Less shocking were the perpetrators of those crimes: Young, Caucasian, and Christian. According to Detective Valens “it isn’t the first time Christians killed, and if I know CBS, it won’t be the last.”

Officials are cautious about calling these killings an organized effort. “We’re not saying this is a crime wave. We’re not saying these fictional crimes are related, but it is an awful coincidence when you have two seemingly unrelated crimes, two weeks in a row, committed by members of the same violently intolerant group. Frankly, we are concerned”, said detective Vera.

According to Detective Rush, when dealing with Christian ‘perps’, anything is possible. “Honestly we don’t know what to expect next. It could be Eagle Scouts poisoning the water supply or Cub Scouts with exploding Pinewood Derby cars. The possibilities are literally limited only by our own imagination. We don’t know the ‘what’, but we know where to look for the ‘who’”.

In the meantime citizens are encouraged to find a safe place until the weekend passes. “strip clubs, Mosques, crack houses, dark alleys -- and try to stay in groups. Safety is a matter of ‘situational awareness’. Know your surroundings. Stay away from chapels, bible school, choir practices, mass and, for Pete’s sake if you hear Latin just run like Hell,"  warned Detective Valens.

 

WATERLOO, IA  - While on the campaign trail this week, Democrat presidential candidate Barack Obama shocked an audience of Move-On.org delegates by confessing that, prior to September 11, 2001 he did, in fact, on occasion wear an American flag lapel pin.  The gesture, explained Obama, was meaningless however, and in no way should be interpreted as some kind of expression of patriotism.

The admission came just days after of some embarrassing pre-911 pictures of Obama,  wearing the controversial attire, surfaced on the Internet.  Describing his rationale for wearing the flag Obama stated, "Prior to 'nine-eleven', I really didn't think twice about putting on that pin.  I always liked the look of the flag and thought the stripes had a slimming effect.  The red in the flag pin brought out my eyes and really enhanced my chocolate bronze  skin tone", Obama explained.  "It is unfortunate that," Obama continued "right after the attacks, the American flag was transformed, in the minds of many, from a mere fashion device to some kind of weird patriotic symbol".  

Obama promised the crowd that he has since stopped wearing the flag because of the wrong message the pin sent. "I want to reassure you all, and Mr. Soros personally, that there was no patriotic intent behind the flag and, to avoid the appearance of patriotism, I will no longer wear an American flag lapel pin", Obama said. 

The audience seemed receptive to the candidate's apology with one attendee saying "we've all had youthful indiscretions, this is really no different than that time Prince Harry wore the Nazi uniform to that party.  Sure, it was in bad taste, but no real harm was intended".   

NEWS BRIEFS:

ELECTIONS: Jackson endorses Obama

“Civil” “Rights” “Activist” “The” “Reverend” Jesse Jackson has unexpectedly announced his endorsement of Barack Obama in the Democrat presidential primary. The endorsement was a surprise to many, coming less than a week after Jackson publicly questioned the authenticity of Obama’s “blackness”. Jackson also accused Obama of “acting too white.”

Obama, responded by calling the accusation “outrageous” and vowed that if Jackson continued discussing the issue then Obama would “bust a [expletive deleted] cap in that [expletive expletive deleted]”. 



Jackson immediately issued a press release explaining that the Obama response was "proof enough for me"  of his ethnicity and pledged his support for the Obama candidacy.


CAPITOL HILL: Congressman introduces breathtaking new tax policy

Declaring that “A fee on carbon emissions requires a tithe from all citizens”, U.S. Congressman John Dingle (D-MI) put forth a proposal that attempts to “reduce greenhouse gases and make the planet safe and healthy for future generations” by assessing a carbon tax for the amount of CO2 individuals put into the environment. An additional assessment will be made for taking oxygen out of the environment.

Under the proposed plan, each taxpayer would be assessed $.0003 for each exhalation and $.0001 for each inhalation. The tax is to be based on average respiratory activity over the anticipated lifespan of the individual and will be based on a “gender neutral”average of 15 breaths per minute for a lifespan of 77.7 years.  The   result would be about $3,153.60 per person, each year, from birth. Also under the Dingle plan, Individuals who attempt to avoid the tax by expiring prior to age 77.7 would be guilty of tax evasion and their estates subject to confiscation.