NEWS BRIEFS:

ELECTIONS: Jackson endorses Obama

“Civil” “Rights” “Activist” “The” “Reverend” Jesse Jackson has unexpectedly announced his endorsement of Barack Obama in the Democrat presidential primary. The endorsement was a surprise to many, coming less than a week after Jackson publicly questioned the authenticity of Obama’s “blackness”. Jackson also accused Obama of “acting too white.”

Obama, responded by calling the accusation “outrageous” and vowed that if Jackson continued discussing the issue then Obama would “bust a [expletive deleted] cap in that [expletive expletive deleted]”. 



Jackson immediately issued a press release explaining that the Obama response was "proof enough for me"  of his ethnicity and pledged his support for the Obama candidacy.


CAPITOL HILL: Congressman introduces breathtaking new tax policy

Declaring that “A fee on carbon emissions requires a tithe from all citizens”, U.S. Congressman John Dingle (D-MI) put forth a proposal that attempts to “reduce greenhouse gases and make the planet safe and healthy for future generations” by assessing a carbon tax for the amount of CO2 individuals put into the environment. An additional assessment will be made for taking oxygen out of the environment.

Under the proposed plan, each taxpayer would be assessed $.0003 for each exhalation and $.0001 for each inhalation. The tax is to be based on average respiratory activity over the anticipated lifespan of the individual and will be based on a “gender neutral”average of 15 breaths per minute for a lifespan of 77.7 years.  The   result would be about $3,153.60 per person, each year, from birth. Also under the Dingle plan, Individuals who attempt to avoid the tax by expiring prior to age 77.7 would be guilty of tax evasion and their estates subject to confiscation. 

BUSINESS DESK:

BEIJING -- In what the New York Times characterized as “an extraordinary move” American toy company Mattel, Inc has issued an apology to China for a recent spate of recalls.  Mattel recently pulled off of the shelves toys manufactured under the Mattel label that contained potentially harmful levels of lead. In the weeks following the discovery of the lead tainted toys, Mattel initially cast blame on the Chinese government-owned manufacturing process. Those accusations led to a series of closed door high level meetings between Mattel senior management and China. 


Closed door meetings led to dispute resolution.

Mattel executives emerged from the meetings with a new perspective of Chinese manufacturing guidelines,  issued a prompt apology for the misunderstanding and took full blame for the “design flaws”. In a joint press conference with Chinese product safety chief Li Changjiang, Mattel executives said “Mattel takes full responsibility for these recalls and apologizes personally to you, the Chinese people, and all of our customers who received the toys.” In design discussions, Mattel apparently neglected to specifically instruct China that parents prefer toys that do not result in the death or brain damage of their children.


Mattel executives emerge from talks to announce a "renewed spirit of cooperation" with China.

The official Chinese reaction expressed by Mr. Li was that “This shows that our cooperation is in the interests of Mattel, and both parties should value our cooperation. I really hope that Mattel can learn lessons and gain experience from these incidents and that future closed door meetings will not be necessary.” 

American Government officials and corporate leaders expressed appreciation for the Mattel apology and said they were "proud that Mattel showed the courage to come forward and confess to their crimes against the Chinese factory workers". 


American government and corporate leaders praise Mattel's courage.

Shares of Mattel (MAT) traded up Friday on the news of both the return of its senior management team, and the upcoming release of the newly designed “lead-free” Barbie model. 


Peoples Barbie 2008

From the critically acclaimed writers of Poems From Guantanamo comes the much awaited Poems From Guantanamo II.

Twice the angst, twice the artistry, twice the rhymes!

If you liked Poems From Guantanamo, you’ll LOVE Poems Fom Guantanamo II

Here’s what critics wrote about the original Poems From Guantanamo

"At last Guantanamo has found its voice."--Gore Vidal

"Speaking as they can across barriers actual and figurative, translated into our American tongue, these voices in confinement implicitly call us to our principles and to our humanity. "-Robert Pinsky

"Poems from Guantanamo brings to light figures of concrete, individual humanity,against the fabric of cruelty woven by the 'war on terror.' -- Adrienne Rich

Now come these instant classics from "Poems II"


I wonder if I’ll ever see
The guy from that cell next to me
I tapped my toes and he tapped back
Just as a Marine Corp hack
Took him off to a distant cage
The price we pay for this war we wage
- Abu Abu Majid


Chicken on Thursdays
Again, there's too much saffron
Damn you, Gonzales!
- Adnan Amous


A cabbie drives in Tribecca
With dreams of a visit to Mecca
Into his cab climbs an infidel
With a bottle of Zinfindel
Should he drive her or just cut her neck-huh?
- Salim Ahmed Hamdan


My cell smells of dung
Like my home in Egypt but
Playstation 3 here!
- Khalid “the Gamer”


They were only fireworks
Jihad is for stupid jerks
I give my word, you can rely
They’re leftover from 4th of July
I swear I am a loyal American
Just ask my professor, Sami Al-Arian
- Yousef from Florida


With a “B”, it’s spelled “Obama”
I’m not related to “Osama”
And though my middle name Hussein be
That’s not a reason to detain me
Just tell me where you got the hint from
Are her initials ‘Hillary Clinton’?
- Barrack Hussein Obama (of the Chicago Obama’s)

And many many more!
This family favorite is sure to sell out fast. Reserve your copy today!

NEWS BRIEFS: 

ELECTIONS: The primary to end all primaries

In the ongoing battle between the states to become the most relevant player in the Presidential Primary Elections, Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm signed a bill into law moving Michigan’s presidential primary back to January 15 from February 5. This would make Michigan the first major presidential-primary state — ahead of New Hampshire.

In response to the Michigan maneuver, New Hampshire is considering legislation that pushes their presidential primaries for the years 2012, 2016, 2020, 2024, 2028, 2032, 2036, 2040, 2044, 2048, 2052, 2056 to all occur on January 14th 2008. Straw polls show the early favorite for the 2056 Democrat nominee is the yet to be conceived grandchild of Bill and Hillary Clinton.


TRAVEL NEWS: Airline Sacrifices Two Goats to Sky God

In an effort to correct chronic problems with it’s aging fleet of Boeing 757 aircraft, officials from the state run Nepal Airlines sacrificed two goats to the Hindu sky god, Akash Bhairab on Sunday.

A spokesman from the United States Department of Homeland Security laughed off the brutal practice saying “that’s nothing compared to what we do to the stupid sheep that fly commercial out of our airports”.


U.S. POLITICAL SCENE: Craig staying – officer gets the boot

Citing Supreme Court precedent, Idaho Senator Larry Craig is backing away from his earlier decision to resign his Senate seat and vows to fight to remain a U.S. Senator. “If there is anything we’ve learned from Roe v. Wade it’s that a girl has a right to change her mind, doesn’t she?” Craig said.

In a related story, the (decidedly gay looking although allegedly heterosexual) police officer credited with the arrest of Senator Craig has reportedly been promoted from the Vice Squad to the Fashion Police, Shoe Division.


WAR ON TERROR: Terror Suspects Nabbed in Germany

Three suspected Islamic militants were arrested for allegedly plotting attacks on the Ramstein Air Base, German authorities said Wednesday. German prosecutor Monika Harms said the three had trained at terror camps in Pakistan and procured some 1,500 pounds of hydrogen peroxide, which can easily be combined with other material to make explosives.

Speaking up on behalf of the suspects, Ahmed Bedier, is executive director of the Tampa Florida chapter of the Council on American Islamic discounted the notion that the hydrogen peroxide was to be used for bombs and offered that the three alleged terrorists are “just an innocent bunch of accident prone kids with gingivitis”.


CELEB GOSSIP: Seinfeld creator, wife, split over energy policy

Comic genius Larry David and his environmental activist wife Laurie David have reportedly decided to end their 14 year marriage over irreconcilable differences in their personal energy policies that have caused an irreparable strain on their relationship. While the two are hush-hush over the details, Mrs. David has been overheard to say that while she “really need(s) the thrust of a Hemi, Larry can’t seem to get interested in anything other than a Hummer”. The split didn’t come as a surprise to many though, as rumors have been circulating for months that Laurie David has been pursuing “alternative sources of energy”.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Daddy reft home when I was three
Didn't reave much to ma and me
Just an old doner rist of wearthy Horwywood Jews.
Now, I don't brame him for hide and run
But the meanest thing that he ever done
Was to not teach Engrish to this fundraising boy named "Hsu”.

He must of thought that a big haha joke
And it got a rot of raughs from a' rot of foke,
It seem that I got hung up on my whore rife through.
I strugger for whire to raise a buck
And I wasn’t having rots of ruck
I decrare, rife wasn’t easy for this boy named "Hsu".

But I rearned rear fast and the money came in
Then I make a friends in the Democrat machine
Rike Obama, Crinton, Renderr and Kennedy
Pretty soon “Hsu” was a househord name
I courd hoard my head up high and without shame
‘Cause I was top fundraiser for the whore darn DNC.

But then they arr rearned of the investigation
Yes, I tried to terr ‘em it was a mis-transration
Even offered up another hundred grand or two
Now arr my donations they give away
And I am here in hiding untirr the day
When Hirrary give a pardon to this fundraising boy named “Hsu.” 

… 'cause I’m plannin' on goin' homo

Pocatello, ID – Pleading an error in judgment led him into entering a guilty plea for charges of disorderly conduct related to “inappropriate behavior”, United States Senator Larry Craig (R-ID) vehemently denied the factual allegations arising from a June 11th incident in the Minneapolis Airport in which he was accused of soliciting gay sex from a policeman acting in an undercover operation.



Allegedly Heterosexual Policeman                  Allegedly Homosexual Senator

The saga began early this summer when a decidedly gay looking although allegedly heterosexual undercover police officer claimed to have shared an intimate moment with a conservative looking yet allegedly homosexual United States Senator. According to the police report, while waiting for a bathroom stall to become vacant, Senator Craig allegedly spotted the decidedly gay looking policeman through a crack in the stall. Once the adjoining stall became vacant, Craig allegedly occupied the stall and, using his luggage, began immediate construction of a border fence around his stall. Prior to completion of the barrier, the decidedly gay looking although allegedly heterosexual police officer witnessed the conservative looking yet allegedly homosexual Senator “tapping his foot”. The officer, recalling his training and his days at the police academy, immediately recognized the tapping as an invitation to engage in sex.  The invitation thus extended, the officer quickly initiated a border crossing with the hopes of taking advantage of any potential amnesty offered prior to fence completion.  The officer alleges that his reward was the offer of employment performing a job that the Senator's wife refuses to do.  The Senator was promptly arrested. 

Senator Craig, wife at his side, today held a press conference denying the solicitation charges as well as the allegations that he is homosexual. “I am not gay, and never have been gay” declared the Senator. Craig went on to offer a different version of the event, claiming that, while “conducting Senate business” he was listening to his favorite George Michael mix on his I-Pod. Craig suggested that what the officer interpreted as flirtation was merely Craig’s natural reaction, as a Wham! aficionado, to this toe-tapper of a tune:

You put the boom-boom into my heart
You send my soul sky high when your lovin' starts
Jitterbug into my brain
Goes a bang-bang-bang 'til my feet do the same

As further evidence of his innocence, Craig pointed out that  “Guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

While the legal aspects of Craig’s troubles seem to have ended with his guilty plea, his political troubles may be a long way from over. Massachusetts Representative Barney Frank has demanded a bi-cameral investigation into the matter of illicit gay bathroom sex and has vowed to “probe longer and harder than I’ve ever probed into the nations public restrooms".

For his part, Senator Craig claims to harbor no ill will against the decidedly gay looking although allegedly heterosexual police officer, “However, time can never mend
the careless whisper of a good friend”, Craig said.

MESA, AZ — Officials in Chandler Arizona handed down a 3 day sentence for a 13-year-old boy whose “offensive drawing posed a threat to other children and the community”.


  Alleged drawing of school                                                                   Actual School

Officials, contending that the drawing (pictured above) is a depiction of Payne Junior High School, claim it is representative of a “pervasive danger that, everyday, causes real harm to the mental and physical well being of our children”. A spokesman for the Chandler district explained that “as everyone is aware, the single biggest threat to our children’s psychological development, financial security, and long term earning potential is exposure to the public education system. For this boy to so callously flash this drawing around is unconscionable” and that the drawing, while crude is “absolutely considered a threat”. 

There is some disagreement over the nature of the drawing with the boy’s parents claiming that the drawing was a harmless doodle depicting not a school but a gun, and that officials viewed the sketch at the wrong angle and overreacted.



Parents contend drawing is a gun.

The Chandler spokesman, disputing the claim that the drawing is a gun said, “It clearly is NOT a gun, the drawing did not show blood, bullets, or injuries. No, this drawing is clearly meant to depict a public school building. The public education system relegates hundreds of thousands, if not millions, to lives of illiteracy, misery and poverty every year, we simply cannot allow these offenses to go unpunished”.

Minneapolis – Alaska Governor Sarah Palin briefly emerged from protective custody this week to deliver a much welcomed gift to the state of Minnesota.  That gift was the Gravina Island Bridge, otherwise known as the “Bridge to Nowhere”. “I am just happy that someone can finally put this thing to use”, quipped the wonderfully witty Sarah Palin, as she personally delivered the bridge before a crowd of awestruck onlookers.





Investigators with the National Transportation Safety Board have found that, unlike the luminescent Sarah Palin, potential flaws existed in the design of the ill-fated I-35 bridge (see below).  The bridge failure resulted in at least 8 fatalities, while Sarah Palin has given the miracle of life to 4 children:  Track, Bristol, Willow, and Piper. 



Her single handed restoration of the interstate highway system is sure to go a long way toward propelling the eminently qualified Sarah Palin right onto the 2008 presidential ticket.  Still, it was a feat that pales in comparison to her to heroic rescue of the Empire State Building from terrorist attack in 1993.





The groundswell of interest in her political future has recently forced Sarah Palin, selflessly, into seclusion so that she can carry out her important work on behalf of the blessed, albeit unworthy, Alaskan people. It was a decision that proved to be deeply disappointing to her loyal and devoted base.  Sarah’s Minnesota appearance was a delightfully unexpected break from that seclusion. When asked by this reporter if her adoring public could expect to see more of her in the future, Sarah Palin responded, “Oh no, not YOU again! Please leave me alone! 500 feet! The judge said 500 feet! Can’t you get that through your head?! Security! Security!” 

Look, up in the sky! Who is that woman with both grace and a sense of humor in the face of tragedy!  Why, it's future Vice President Sarah Palin! 

 

Greetings to One and All!

Yes, once again I take pen in hand to compose this little newsletter. Osama and I wish to thank all of you who have sent us cards and letters. We appreciate your greetings and the news contained in the letters and notes. Too often, the only news we get of your achievements is through news reports, obituaries, etc., so you can well imagine the joy we feel upon receiving your personal correspondence. Sadly, postal service being what it is, coupled with our tendency to move quite frequently, your letters do not always find us quickly. When the occasional postman does find us he must be immediately killed, so we are unable to send cards in return. This Newsletter will have to be our greetings to you. Still, keep those cards and letters coming!

Details, details, details …

Births: Since I’ve last written we’ve had a number of new additions to our extended family! I hope you’ll all join in welcoming these little ones into the world:

United Kingdom - Mohammed(s) #1 thru #5,991
France - Mohammed(s) #1 thru #4,735
Denmark - Mohammed(s) - #1 thru #2,735

Deaths: Let us cheer the passing into Allah’s grace those who have left us since my last letter: (Afghanistan, see Appendix A, pages 1-436; Iraq, see Appendix A, pages 735-2032).

But enough about the numbers!

I am pleased to report our successes on the battlefield! The jihad continues apace and it is reported that the infidels in Baqubah are drowning in the blood of our martyrs! Which reminds me, Osama asked me to pass along, that the bunion from which he suffered is finally beginning to heal, and that he thanks all of you for your Get Well cards. While he is glad to be rid of the pain, he was happy to suffer so for our cause and wishes all of you the best on your own paths to martyrdom. As we say, “we all have a part to play.”

I know you miss hearing from Osama and I shall try to persuade him to make some more videos for you.  Truth be told, he doesn’t communicate with me much more than you these days. Lately all it seems he does is come home from his walks, throw his sandals in the middle of the floor and sit in that chair for hours on end, occasionally grunting that he needs a drink. I can’t remember the last time he took me out for a nice dinner or even took notice of my new robes. But you don’t want to hear of my troubles. Besides, such is the life of the “empty nester” I guess.

You will all be happy to know that little Azzam has become quite the Independent Filmmaker and his videos continue to both delight, and be a key element in our war against America. As you know, the primary front in our battle is the American media and I have personally vowed to launch wave after wave of new videos that will overwhelm the American press and deprive Americans of what they most seem to desire from their news; the continuous coverage of car chases. The plan was working fine until I, quite frankly, ran out of things to say. Fortunately, Azzam loves the sound of his own voice and has filled the void! “Today Live Desk, tomorrow The O’Reilly Factor!” (inshallah).

For my part, I am so happy that Azzam finally has something to occupy his time. He was so lonely when all of his little friends graduated from the madrassa and moved to Appendix A. He truly seems to love his new calling in Vblogging and, now that Bree is dead he is bound and determined to win the the lead character slot in the next season of lonelygirl15.  Soon he'll be a YouTube star and we'll be able to say “I knew him when.”  Oh, and, OMG -- he's promised to bring Danielbeast by for dinner!

On another note:  We’ve been getting word lately that many of our soldiers have been arrested while in the embarrassing predicament of dressing in women’s clothing. I realize it’s hard to hide who we are.  I understand that old habits are hard to break.  And I know that “what happens in Tora Bora, stays in Tora Bora” but you are no longer in Afghanistan. All I ask for is a little patience. Within 5 years we’ll have completed our planned move into Israel and begin construction of "Atta Boys", our chain of San Francisco style bathhouses with a Mediterranean flair! You will be happy to know that I already have commitments from Speaker Pelosi for expansion into the Bay area.  Oh, and stay tuned to the LOGO channel for our upcoming series "Qaeda Eye for the Jihad Guy". 

Looking forward to the day when we will no longer have to suffer persecution at the hands of the intolerant Christian Crusaders.

Peace and hugz be upon you!

Ayman and Osama

 

BOULDER, CO -- P&GP, Inc, a Boulder based company, has announced the addition of a new member to its product distribution team in July.  According to Gina Piscapone, Sr.V.P of Human Resources for P&GP, Inc. “After a grueling recruiting and interviewing campaign, P&GP, Inc. has finally found the candidate with the perfect skill sets to help us on our path of continued growth. P&GP is proud to welcome Ward LeRoy Churchill to our team.”

P&GP, Inc. the parent company of the Little Paulie’s Pizza chain of local pizzerias, has 4 locations throughout metropolitan Boulder. Mr. Churchill will be operating out of the Broadway Street facility, near the University of Colorado, Boulder campus.

 

"Ward promises to be a tremendous asset to the team, especially at this time," said Piscapone. "With classes starting up in a few weeks, our business is poised to really take off. Ward’s extensive knowledge of the campus layout is sure to help trim our delivery times and really take our Broadway operation to the next level. We are very excited to have him with us.”

Prior to P&GP, Inc., Churchill was employed by the University of Colorado at Boulder as an Ethnic Studies Professor. During his tenure, he was able to bring a high level of authenticity to the Native American Studies department by pretending to be an actual Native American. In addition to his enthusiasm for adopting alternative identities, Churchill was widely popular for his research misconduct, plagiarism, fabrication and falsification of historical events, skills that will be keenly valuable in explaining away late delivery times and incorrect toppings to stoned college students.

Commenting on his new position, Churchill offered, “I am very excited to have this opportunity to continue to serve the student population of the University of Colorado.  The timing is just perfect and this position meshes wonderfully with my personal development goals.  Why just last week, I was catching reruns of “The Sopranos” on A&E and it occurred to me that I’ve always wanted to pretend to be Italian.” 

Piscapone explained that all new hires are subject to a 90 day probationary period. “I just can’t wait to ‘make my bones’ and really be a part of the Paulie’s family – in 90 days”, Churchill said.

 

CHARLESTON, WV – In a tearful rage, United States Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV) gave Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick a thorough lashing on the Senate floor on Friday, while saying he’d "seen executions before and wouldn’t mind seeing another” for Vick.  Vick, who has been indicted by a federal grand jury for his participation in a dog fighting ring, narrowly escaped the lynch mob and fled south to Georgia. He is currently being sought on a warrant sworn out personally by Byrd under the West Virginia Runaway Slave Act.

Senator Byrd has asked that citizens be on the lookout for the fugitive Vick, or any black man wearing leg irons, a torn shirt and bearing large welts on his back.  A special hotline has been established for tips and anyone with information is instructed to call 1-800-KKK-BYRD.


Bradenton, FL – NBA Commissioner David Stern is to hold a press conference today to discuss the fallout from charges that NBA referee Tim Donaghy attempted to “fix” games so as to settle gambling debts to the Gambino crime family. In response to this game fixing charges, as well as the seeming rash of criminal behavior running through all professional sports, West Virginia Senator Robert Bird commented, “Stern … Stern … yep, sounds like a Jew name to me. Let’s string him up too”.

Anyone with information regarding the whereabouts of Stern is instructed to call 1-800-KKK-BYRD.


 

WASHINGTON, DC – The Department of Homeland Security with assistance from the United States Marshall’s office conducted a surprise raid on a district location long suspected of harboring an insurgent group sympathetic to, if not affiliated with Al Qaeda. Sources close to the investigation characterize the raid as “the culmination of an investigation that has been ongoing since mid-November 2006” and arising from a series of “intercepted communiqués and broadcasts originating from within the suspected hideout.” Additionally, counter-terrorism agents have been monitoring speeches and meetings of those known to frequent the Washington, D.C. location. What they have learned is that a cell of well financed individuals has been allowed to form right in the nations capitol, and that this cell has as it’s apparent goal the undermining of the American military effort against the “al Qaeda in Iraq” terrorist group.

What was surprising to law enforcement officials was the quickness with which the cell surrendered itself, indicating that this group was of a breed entirely different from the battle hardened groups under arms in Iraq. “We believe this cell was more of a support group that offered financial and moral support to the actual fighters" one source said.



A total of six persons were detained in the raid. 




A seventh person, thought to be the ringleader known as Oompa bin Loompa, evaded capture and is believed to be holing up in his compound in Virginia.

Authorities believe the cell financed it’s operations through a combination of contributions, gun running and the publishing and sale of child pornography. 

NEW YORK – Proving once and for all the theory that human activity is responsible for global warming, the planet experienced tremendous climate changes last weekend simultaneous to the performances of the 24 hour, 7 continent Live Earth concert.  From near record temperatures that have blistered the United States Eastern Seaboard to raging wildfires in the west, the Earth rocked and rolled and simmered and sizzled to the sounds of some of pops most exalted artists. 

 

Just as climatologists and concert promoters predicted, the earth’s temperature actually cooled .4 degrees during the performances of 20^th century sensations Genesis and Madonna.  However, even the shadow cast by the late addition of Al Gore to the line-up was not enough to offset the heat arising from later performances. 

 

Officials at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration blame poor scheduling for the wild temperature fluctuations and residual warming that lingered after the events closed.  Government scientists have demanded a role in the scheduling of performances for any future Live Earth Events.  In response to the global emergency brought about by Live Earth, NOAA scientist Dr. James Ogden issued the following statement: “any idiot should have predicted the long-term impact of scheduling the Pussycat Dolls so late in the lineup without ensuring that proper “Pussycat Dolls Offsets” were in place.” East cost temperatures soared to the high ninety’s during the “Dolls’” performance and have remained dangerously high since. 

Climatologists are planning an emergency Barbra Streisand concert tour in the hopes of bringing temperatures back into the normal range. Scientists are confident such drastic action is necessary and will be effective.  “Think of it as stripping the earth naked and plunging it, testicles first, into ice cold water”, said Dr. Ogden. 

EMERALD CITY, OZ – This weekend’s fiery car bomb attack on Glasgow International Airport and the botched London car bomb attacks sparked outrage among progressive groups. In the first incident, two Mercedes Benz’ vehicles, packed with gasoline, propane other fossil fuels were discovered poised to detonate in a popular night spot near Piccadilly Circus. Both vehicles were safely disarmed. The second and marginally more successful attack occurred when two suspected terrorists packed their Jeep Cherokee SUV with gasoline and propane tanks, crashed it into the Glasgow Airport, and set it ablaze. The resulting fire was quickly contained.  Little damage and few injuries were sustained. Both incidents are believed to have been carried out by factions of, or groups sympathetic to, al Qaeda.

Progressive commentators have come out strongly against the al Qaeda plot as ineffective; an irresponsible waste of fuel; and a reckless generation of greenhouse gases. Offering these helpful hints for future attacks, one contributor for the Daily Kos website characterized the terrorists as “knuckleheads” and offered these words of advice: “Liquid gasoline is not an explosive. It is an incendiary. Gasoline fumes can explode but even if it "explodes", it lacks the power of “true explosives" like Semtex. Simply put, the London luxury bombs (...hey they put them in Mercedes Benzes not Fords) are crude, ineffective and highly unlikely to kill hundreds of people unless there was a rave planned directly around the cars”.

The Earth Liberation Front (ELF) issued a statement condemning the use of a “gas guzzler like the Cherokee” as an “offensive assault on the planet” and suggested, “Going forward, al Qaeda would do well to consider that vehicles fueled by Bio-diesel provide a much more environmentally friendly car bomb. As an alternative, while you don’t get the kill volume you would with explosive devices, the tried and true method of terrorism through beheading can still achieve favorable results while leaving a very small carbon footprint”.

Al Qaeda spokesman Ibn Eedn Renuuzit issued a prompt apology for the attacks and vowed to work more closely with progressive groups “in the furtherance of our common goals” in the future.

BREAKING NEWS:

NEW YORK – The New York City Department of Public Works has issued a “Code Red” emergency decree this evening ordering all Manhattan bathroom usage stopped immediately. The Unprecedented shut down came as a response to Mayor Michael “Mother” Bloomberg’s (U-NY) apparent decision to flush $500,000,000 of his own money down the toilet.

The Unelectable Bloomberg announced late this evening that he was formally changing his party affiliation from the Republican Party to the Unelectable Party, a move seen by most analysts as completely Unnecessary. The Unelectable Party last ran a candidate in 1992 when H. Ross Perot stopped up the sewer system in the entire southwestern United States. The resulting overflow swept Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton into the White House.

Bloomberg is famously known as the Mayor who banned trans-fats in all New York City restaurants, banned all indoor smoking in New York City, announced a plan requiring anyone driving into New York City to pay admission, and threatened to give anyone who opposed his rules a time out. Prior to his expected bid to run for the United States presidency, Bloomberg was favored to take the starring role in the Broadway stage production of the popular TV series Nanny 911.

Bloomberg’s status as an Unelectable candidate was officially recognized on MSNBC’s Hardball with Chris Matthews when Matthews, characteristically, screamed obscenities at the audience before declaring Bloomberg’s candidacy the most exciting thing since his last electroshock therapy. The Matthews endorsement sealed Bloomberg’s fate.

Historically, the Unelectable Party has occasionally played the role of spoiler in presidential elections. As the Perot run siphoned off some votes from President George H.W. Bush, so could Bloomberg’s bid expect to siphon off votes from another candidate. While it is too early in the race to tell which candidate would be most adversely impacted, it is a certainty that voters attracted to a bossy, nagging, overbearing, shrill, New York pol who did not rally the city after the World Trade Center attacks would take a serious look at Bloomberg.

Whatever happens, New Yorkers can count on the NY Department of Public Works to Unclog the drains.